How to Help a Loved One With Low Self-Esteem: What to Say, What to Avoid and When to Seek Help

Editorial update: Originally published in February 2025, this guide has been substantially expanded with evidence-informed guidance about supporting someone with low self-esteem—including what to say, what may unintentionally make things worse, when boundaries are necessary and when professional help may be appropriate.

When Someone You Love Cannot See What You See

Someone you love receives a compliment and immediately explains why it is not true. They are offered an opportunity but decide they would probably fail. A small mistake becomes evidence that they ruin everything. A quiet response from a friend becomes proof that nobody really wants them around.

You see their kindness, ability and value. They see reasons to doubt themselves.

It is natural to respond with reassurance. You remind them of their strengths, point to everything they have accomplished and tell them how much they mean to you. Perhaps it helps for a few minutes. Then another uncertain moment arrives, and the same painful beliefs return.

This can leave both people feeling powerless. Your loved one may feel that nobody understands how deeply inadequate they feel. You may begin wondering why your encouragement never seems to reach them.

The problem is not necessarily that you are saying the wrong thing or failing to be supportive. A deeply rooted belief about personal worth rarely changes because another person argues against it—no matter how sincere or loving that person may be.

You can still make a meaningful difference. The goal is to create a relationship in which the person feels heard, respected and encouraged while gradually strengthening their ability to trust themselves. That requires something more thoughtful than constant praise. It also requires accepting that you cannot rebuild another person’s self-esteem for them.

What Low Self-Esteem Actually Means

Self-esteem is the way someone evaluates and relates to themselves. It influences how they interpret mistakes, receive feedback, approach challenges, express needs and decide what treatment they deserve from other people.

Everyone feels insecure sometimes. Confidence may temporarily fall after a rejection, conflict, disappointing evaluation, health change or unfamiliar responsibility. A person may also feel confident in one part of life and uncertain in another. Someone can be effective at work, for example, while privately doubting their value in relationships.

Low self-esteem becomes more concerning when negative conclusions feel broad, persistent and difficult to reconsider.

A person with healthy self-esteem might think, “I handled that conversation poorly.” Someone struggling with low self-esteem may conclude, “I am terrible with people.”

One interpretation describes an event. The other turns the event into an identity.

That distinction matters because identity-based conclusions can begin controlling behavior. The person may avoid opportunities, conceal their needs, remain in unhealthy situations or depend heavily on other people’s approval. Each protective choice may reduce discomfort temporarily while making the underlying belief more difficult to challenge.

Low self-esteem is not a moral failing, a lack of effort or proof that someone is seeking attention. It can develop through many combinations of experience, temperament, relationships and circumstances. Criticism, bullying, exclusion, conditional approval, trauma, repeated setbacks, major life changes and impossible personal standards may all contribute. Full Circle’s guide to how childhood experiences can shape adult relationships examines how early relational messages may continue influencing adult beliefs without suggesting that childhood permanently determines a person’s future.

Low self-esteem is also not a diagnosis by itself. It may exist without a mental health condition, or it may appear alongside depression, anxiety, trauma, eating difficulties, emotional abuse or another concern. A friend, partner or relative should not attempt to diagnose the person based only on low confidence.

The more useful starting point is to notice what is happening, how often it occurs and how much it is affecting the person’s life.

What Support Can—and Cannot—Do

Love creates an understandable urge to repair what hurts.

When someone says, “I’m worthless,” you want to prove that they are wrong. When they struggle to make a decision, taking over may seem helpful. When they avoid something important, pushing them forward can feel like encouragement.

These responses can provide short-term relief. They can also create a pattern in which the person increasingly depends on you to determine whether they are capable, acceptable or safe.

You may gradually become responsible for reviewing every decision, disputing every criticism and repeatedly confirming that the relationship is secure. Your loved one feels better briefly, but their confidence still depends on receiving the right response from you.

Meanwhile, you may start monitoring everything you say. A normal disagreement feels dangerous because you fear confirming their worst beliefs. You hesitate to set limits because they may interpret a boundary as rejection. Support begins turning into emotional responsibility.

A healthier role is compassionate but more realistic.

You can listen without agreeing with every negative conclusion. You can acknowledge pain without treating the person as fragile. You can offer encouragement while allowing them to make decisions. You can speak honestly, recognize their efforts and help them access professional support when appropriate.

You cannot guarantee that they will never be rejected, disappointed or criticized. You cannot supply enough reassurance to eliminate every doubt. You cannot become the sole source of another adult’s stability or self-worth.

Recognizing these limits is not abandonment. It makes sustainable support possible.

How Low Self-Esteem May Show Up

Low self-esteem does not always look like obvious sadness. Some people openly criticize themselves. Others protect their insecurity through perfectionism, humor, withdrawal, overachievement or apparent indifference.

A person might:

• Turn a specific mistake into a global judgment about who they are

• Dismiss compliments or assume people are merely being polite

• Avoid opportunities before anyone can evaluate them

• Apologize for having ordinary needs, preferences or emotions

• Set standards they can never fully satisfy

• Compare their private struggles with other people’s visible strengths

• Remain silent to prevent disagreement or rejection

• Ask repeatedly whether others are angry, disappointed or preparing to leave

• Accept disrespect because they do not believe they can expect better

• Abandon decisions unless someone else confirms the “right” choice

None of these behaviors proves that a person has low self-esteem. Excessive apologizing may develop in an unsafe relationship. Avoidance may be connected to anxiety. Difficulty making decisions may emerge during depression, grief, burnout or a period of overwhelming stress. Perfectionism can have several different functions.

Context matters.

Rather than applying a label, consider the pattern. Has the behavior persisted? Is it becoming more restrictive? Does it affect relationships, work, education, health or ordinary decisions? Is the person increasingly isolated? Do they seem hopeless, frightened or unable to function as they normally would?

Those questions are more useful than deciding whether someone “has” low self-esteem based on a few uncomfortable moments.

Begin With What You Have Actually Noticed

Telling someone, “You have low self-esteem,” may feel more like an evaluation than an invitation to talk. It places you in the role of expert and the other person in the role of problem.

A more respectful beginning is specific and curious:

“I noticed you stopped yourself from applying even though you seemed excited about the opportunity.”

“You’ve apologized several times for asking me for help. You’re not doing anything wrong by needing support.”

“When something goes badly, you seem to become very hard on yourself. How has that been feeling lately?”

These observations leave room for the person to explain their own experience. They also reduce the likelihood that the conversation will become an argument about whether your label is accurate.

Your first responsibility is not to deliver perfect advice. It is to create enough emotional room for an honest answer. That begins with approaching the conversation carefully, listening for what the person actually needs and responding in a way that acknowledges their feelings without reinforcing the belief that they cannot trust themselves.